You can be right or you can be happy - why we love being right (and what’s the price we pay for that)
Sep 18, 2019
(By Eldad Ben-Moshe ✨ Reading Time: 5 minutes)
Loved ones ❤
You know that the woman is always right, right?
And you know that men don’t really believe in that, right? 😉
So what happens when I believe I’m right, and my wife thinks she’s right?
Of course, this is valid for any relationship - with a friend, partner, parent, sibling -
and regardless of gender.
But still, let me tell you what’s it like for me when both my wife and I each
believe we are right…
There’s a price I pay for believing I'm right.
But not because of Erica.
It’s not about her.
It’s never the other person, or life.
I’m very consistent in my message - all suffering is self-made.
Neither my wife nor anything external to me can make me unhappy.
Life can and will bring pain,
but all my unhappiness and suffering is created in my mind.
In such times, I experience this ancient truth again:
‘You can be right, or you can be happy and at peace.’
Why?
Because if I'm right, someone else is wrong.
Thus separation and conflict are experienced -
even if ‘only’ subconsciously, underneath the apparent happiness about being right.
And when separation and conflict are experienced,
how can you be happy or at peace?
When both Erica and I believe we are right,
and that the other is wrong,
there is no joy for me in being ‘right’.
Even if later she comes and says I was right.
(Yes, it happens sometimes... I told you she is amazing!)
Being ‘right,’ in spite of the ego’s promises, leads to fights, separation,
loneliness, sadness, emptiness, and heartache.
Only when both of us are perceived as right can that be avoided.
It is unity, not separation and individuality, that brings peace and joy.
Yes, sometimes one is right, and the other is wrong.
It’s inevitable. That’s not the point though.
The point is, how does it feel.
Does being ‘right’ really make you happy?
The message of this post isn’t “never believe you're right,” for that is impossible.
The message is that focusing on being right leads to suffering.
Being right isn’t wrong, but it’s painful.
The sub-headline, if you will, is how to be happy in spite of disagreements.
“Do you prefer that you be right or happy? “
The more I’m invested in being right, the less likely I am to experience peace and joy.
The part of me that is happy to be right is the part of me that is
happy to be a separate, individual, special self.
After all, to be right is not that much of an achievement -
all of us are right sometimes!
As the saying goes, even a clock that stopped working is right twice a day...
Yet still, being right is one of the ego’s favorite experiences.
That’s because it serves as a ‘proof’ of my existence as a separate, unique individual.
It also ‘proves’ that you are to be blamed for the situation,
as I was right and therefore innocent.
Thus ‘being right’ is seen by the ego as proof of the most significant achievements of them all:
- Proof that I’m innocent, and you are to be blamed.
It’s our defense against the fear of punishment.
Spiritually speaking, there's another level to that fear.
It is the fear of punishment from God for destroying perfect
oneness (a.k.a Heaven) by choosing individuality over oneness.
Think of the garden of Eden story as a metaphor for that.
While I can't dive into this here, I must add that in truth (spiritually speaking),
the separation from God and destruction of perfect oneness never happened.
We still fear God's punishment though because we believe it did,
and because we misunderstand God. - And proof that I exist. Proof That I am.
An experience of being an identity which is separate, unique, different.
An experience of being an individual.
An experience of individuality.
So being right gives us an experience of existence.
But since it’s an existence based in conflict and separation,
it’s an unhappy & unpeaceful one too.
That is the bottom line.
You can never have real, long-lasting peace nor joy, internal or
external, if your experience is based in conflict or separation.
Even if that experience of conflict or separation is buried deep inside,
and you are totally unaware of it.
So what can we do about it?
You know I love to keep it practical and give actionable steps, right?
Information is important, but information alone does not bring transformation.
If you want transformation, here’s what you might want to do:
1. Learn.
Learn all about who and how you are.
Learn how your mind works, learn what your personality really is,
and how it functions.
You’ll be surprised.
Learn who you are spiritually, too.
Learn, just like you are doing right now.
Our culture does not teach us that anymore.
It teaches us money and job skills instead of life skills.
It’s up to you to educate yourself on these matters (see my
recommendations on #5 and #6 below.)
2. Remember.
Our minds and culture are set to make us forget all this
and focus on shiny objects of desire, and on our fears.
So one of the best methods we have for a happier, better life is
simply to remember the truth of who and how we are,
and what’s really going on.
3. Practice. Implement.
It’s hard, and it takes time, but except for divine grace, proper
practice over time is the only thing that brings results -
just like learning to walk or to play guitar.
You can and you will have the happier, better life you want and deserve.
But just like learning to play guitar, you’ll have to do some work to achieve it.
4. Take extreme ownership and response-abilty.
The good news?
Practicing and implementing is up to you.
You are not depending on anyone or anything.
God doesn’t need to save you, the messiah doesn’t need to come.
It’s all you.
And if you’re willing to take extreme response-abilty and ownership over
your life and suffering, you can transform your life completely.
5. Work on both worlds.
It’s the combination of the psychological aspects of our existence
with the spiritual ones that brings complete transformation.
Working on just one of these aspects is like trying to fly with one wing -
you’ll end up unbalanced, and crash.
My favorite tools for psychological and spiritual growth are:
✨ Meditation.
✨ A Course in Miracles.
✨ The Enneagram.
✨ and B-AIR(™).
6. Get help from experts.
Whether it’s me (I offer coaching services, and right now I offer
the best deal I'll ever offer) or someone else, having an expert
who walks the talk to guide and support you is priceless.
True, you can learn to play guitar or fix a car by yourself.
But having an excellent guide who is experienced and have walked
the path before is going to get you to your desired results in a faster,
safer, less stressful (and often more enjoyable) way.
I can't even imagine where would I be today without my teachers and coaches.
✨ Final note: You can do this!
Choose the thing(s) that inspire you the most, don’t over-do it, keep it simple and joyful.
Take one baby step at a time.
Remember -
- Implement.
- Baby steps.
- Joyfully.
To your better life,
with tons of 💖
Eldad Ben-Moshe
Founder, Teacher, and Coach
Better Life Awareness Center
P.S.
Share your thoughts and questions with me by leaving your comments here
or by sending me a message via our chat icon or 'contact us' form.
I love hearing what you think and answering your questions.
Life is a journey of learning together, learning from each other.
So share your thoughts and feelings with me and the Better Life Awareness Center community.
Author
