My son, you, and the 2 kinds of winning

 
(By Eldad Ben-Moshe)

"Be a winner."

"You're such a loser."

"You have to win in life."

"Nice guys finish last."

"You'll never get anywhere in life."

Is culture putting too much on us?

And if so, is it really some external force (e.g., 'culture') that 'does it to us'?

And what does winning even mean?

What does it mean to be a winner?

And what if you're a minimalist/'simple person'/modest/'just want to ____'?

Truth is, and many of you will object to this when you first read my upcoming words, that we all want to win one way or another.

The only reason this might not sound true is because of your definition of winning.

One person wants to be #1.

Others want a good enough life, and that's a win for them.

Another wants not to lose, and that's a win for them.

Another one is just trying to survive another day, another hour, another rent payment. Those would all be wins for them.

Another swears off any 'success' and 'only' wants a peaceful, easy enough life... (as if that's easy in this world!).

That would be their win.

So what is winning?

Whatever you decide it is.

You might have even decided, consciously or unconsciously, to let others determine what's winning for you.

For example, you adopted their story about what is winning.

You probably didn't even notice you did that,
and mistakenly believe your belief to be a fact.

It can be things like winning the championship, being rich, or getting married.

My son is taking his 2nd jiu-jitsu test today,
to advance to the next rank.

My sweet son is 5 and a half now.

He started jujitsu on his 5th birthday.

3 months later, he had his first test ever in his life, of any sort.
It was a test to advance to a new rank in jiu-jitsu.

Almost all the other kids have been there at least twice as many months.

They also went twice a week, while my son goes only once a week (I have 50% custody, and the other practice day is not on my days).

Neither he nor I knew what the test would look like and how he would perform on the test.

We compensated for it by practicing together at home.

After the test, he told me he started not so good,
but he decided he's never giving up, and he kept giving it his best effort.

I was there, of course.
But what's important is his experience at the moment and how he dealt with it.

When I heard that,
I told him he already passed the most important test.

The results of the jiu-jitsu test were given 1 week later,
but both he and I knew he passed that harder, more important test:
The mindset test. 

3 months later, today there's another rank test, his 2nd.

A month before the test,
the Master took him aside and told him:

"I see you in practice. You're focused.
You're serious. You're doing well.

So I want to offer you to test for 2 grades up instead of 1.
Move from an Orange belt with 3 stripes to an orange belt with 1 stripe, not 2.
I believe in you. I know you can do it."

"On second thought," she added,
"there's also another option.
You can even skip 3 ranks,
and go straight for a yellow belt with 3 stripes.

There's only 1 more month before the test, though,
and you only come once a week.

You haven't learned any of the yellow belt moves yet.
So it's going to be tight.

But if you work hard at home and practice a lot,
you might be able to do it."

Honestly, I thought that might be a bit much.
I didn't think that he couldn't do it; I always believe in him.

But it sounded like cramming a lot in a short time -
even more so for a young child.

If you think your mind is full of temptations and distractions that make you do everything except the one you want to focus on and know is the important one,
look at a 5-year-old.

The speed at which they switch from one thing to another, man...
There is no focus (generally speaking).

So in my mind, I was wondering -

How much practice are we talking about?
Will he actually do it every day we are together? It's about 2 weeks in total before the test.

There's also school, friends, downtime, games, and lots of other, more fun, immediately rewarding, and easier things than practice.

Does he want it enough?
Can he bring himself to do what it takes?

1 month later, and I know the answer.

I knew it about 2 weeks ago, honestly.

The test is a few hours from now; the results will be in next week,
but this time he passed the test even before stepping on the mat. 

Yes, there will be 2 more tests in a few hours -
the jiu-jitsu test,
and the 'money time' mindset test (the one he passed last time when he felt he wasn't doing well).

But the even bigger test had already been won.

The way he practiced.
The way he overcame the many desires to goof off, play, watch, rest, and do anything but practice.

The way he approached new materials with a time pressure for getting them,
and getting them good.

The way that even when there was a slump in his approach,
he picked himself up and kept practicing a lot, and practicing well,
knowing that then too, his mindset was putting an obstacle in his way.

That slump, BTW, was when he was practicing so well,
it started feeling easy,
and he was too confident that he'd pass.

The way that throughout a month,
he stayed focused, driven, and confident.

He knew from the get-go he was going for the yellow belt,
for the more challenging option.

He had a slight hesitation, as can be with something big and new,
but he knew what he'd choose.

He knew he could do it before he knew what it would be and what it would take.
He wasn't sure he'd be able to, but he knew he could. 

He knew it would be easier and safer to "only" skip 2 ranks instead of 1, rather than skipping 3,
and he'll still be doing something big if he went the easier, safer way.
In that, the temptation trap was set up in a very hard-to-resist way.

But he chose what he wanted, not what was easy.

He chose to do what it takes,
even when it was hard and he didn't want to.

That is winning.
This is both before - and way more crucial - than the results-based winning.

And it's not like he's one of those who are born super confident or is super confident now.

That might actually be very important for you to hear.
He needs to work on his mindset to get that level of confidence.

But that's precisely the point.
He is doing that work, and that's the biggest win.

The 2 kinds of winning

Yes, we also want the results.

Yes, they have their place; they can be important. 

If you train hard but never win any game in your life, for example, that sucks.

I don't do 'spiritual,' delusional, 'socially correct,' or 'nice' bypassing fluff.

Those will ruin your life just like the over-the-top, 'always on, always achieve,' fake, burnout, dream culture will.

But you know what?

1. The common view of winning, which I call results-based winning, is very limited. 

If you win at your career, get promotions, and make lots of money -
but you're destroying your health, relationships, and happiness, did you really win?

If you won 10 championships but you're abusive to the people who love you,
are you really winning in life?

And what will happen tomorrow, or when you retire, and someone else wins, or breaks your world record, or brings the company to even better results, or your life partner leaves you?
What does it make of you?
What does it make of your previous win?

2. The common view of winning, results-based winning, is very short-term.

You can win things and stuff, that's cool, and very hard to achieve. 
I'm not playing it down.

But these will go away.
Tomorrow, someone else will win the championship.
Someone else will be CEO of the year.
Someone else will get the girl/guy/job.

The other kind of wins, which I call mindset wins, are long-term. 

They build you up for life. 

What my son did this last month?

This builds his confidence, faith in his abilities, the deep knowing that he can;

This builds him in a way that will bring many more future victories, internal and external.

It'll be there with him and for him when he doubts himself, in the hard times of life,
more than any trophy, financial achievement, or jiu-jitsu belt will.

Because every achievement, any and all external wins,
is much more likely to happen if you win the mindset battle against your demons, fears, and doubts first.

There are, of course, the possibilities of winning by luck or divine intervention,
but that doesn't help you much when the next challenge comes.
And they always come.

Heck, even 'simple', 'small' everyday wins are mindset wins first.

99.99999% of the people will never be #1 at anything, lift any major trophy or any trophy at all, be a billionaire, or have the life of their truly wildest dreams. 

But we all have the mindset game happening inside us all the time. 

Every minute of every day.

And to be a winner in your own life,
whatever that would mean for you,
even if your aspirations are super modest, or 'only' spiritual?

You'll have to win the mindset battle against your demons, fears, and doubts first.

We have a few more hours before my son puts his jiu-jitsu clothes on and steps on the mat, but he has already won.

He might not get that yellow belt, though I believe he will.

During the test, he might hit a wall and this time not overcome it like he did last time;
He might lose his mindset game during the test.
No one wins all the time.

But given what he did this last month, how he did it, and what he overcame?

He already won.

Yes, he wasn't overcoming an insanely impossible against-all-odds hardships.

Unlike movies, life is rarely that way.

The most critical thing for winning

This is why this story is essential to you, who are not training to smash the world record and win 50 golden Olympic medals + 20 NBA championships, or even 'just' skip 3 ranks of jiu-jitsu at once at the age of 5 (not a small thing at all!).

In the real life that most of us live,
'normal people wins' are our Olympic medals wins.

Life can be tough, and sometimes even brutal.

Our greatest wins aren't usually rewarded with a golden medal, fame, and public recognition for our achievements.

The jiu-jitsu yellow belt in a small jiu-jitsu dojo in a small mountain town is, right now, my son's world championship title.

Don't let forms deceive you.

The essence is the same essence, and the battle is the same battle, even if the exposure to the general public, the stakes, and the story in our mind are different. 

So whatever you do, take care of your mindset.

In all things big and small,
your mindset and beliefs are where it all starts and ends.

Yes, your actions seem like the end result as far as what you can do and control,
but your mindset and beliefs will dictate them, too.